April 9, 2023

Detangle: Part 3: The Kids Will Save Us

A few days ago, our youngest son, Sam, asked if we were going to church on Sunday. We haven’t gone to church on a Sunday morning in about three years (save for Christmas Eve service with extended family), so I was curious where this question came from. Sam attends a non-denominational youth group-like gathering with some of his school buddies. Think: Young Life as we had in high school. While I have my reservations about organizations such as these, I...

April 8, 2023

Detangle: Part 2: Getting Started-Matthew 1-2

One of the first things I have had to do in this journey is let go of searching for the “one right thing” and learn to live in the messy middle, the grey zone, the gauzy center. I was raised in a conservative Baptist church and school from birth to age 12 or 13, then we moved to a more contemporary Methodist church. (Much more to come on all of this in future posts). But needless to say, my very...

April 7, 2023

Detangle: Part 1

I wasn’t going to do this. No need to hash this out in public. But as I have been wrestling for more than a year now about my journey with (away from?) the church, and the more I realize that many others are doing the same, I wondered if we could learn from each other…so I’m keeping an open journal of this journey. Background: In summary, the 2016 election followed by the response to COVID massively disrupted my faith in...

February 18, 2023

Secrets

Se-cret (noun): a: something kept hidden or unexplained: mystery b: something kept from the knowledge of others or shared only confidentially with a few. We all have complicated relationships with secrets. The word alone may invoke feelings of guilt or shame; excitement and intimacy; or fear. At times we are hurt by secrets and at other times pleasantly surprised. Secrets are a very curious and nuanced thing. Over the years, I have shared some of my secrets with my husband, my parents, and...

January 14, 2023

Anger is a Shell

Several weeks ago, as my husband and I were leaving a social event, he could sense I was upset, angry even. I walked to the car with firm footsteps, my heels clicking the pavement with force and a rapid cadence. My arms were folded across my chest. My lips pursed. We had a rather lengthy drive home, so I knew we’d have time to discuss this matter. He could sense I was fuming. He, too, was not happy, as part...

November 6, 2022

Unraveled

I know I am not alone as I write this raw reflection on the disorienting events of the past few years. The faith that I grew up in and thought I understood but has hurt me instead. The politics that co-opted Evangelical Christianity and turned into a cult. The mass destruction of life through COVID and gun violence with little regard for science-based recommendations to stem the tide of death. The shocking tolerance, and even promotion, of racism, antisemitism, and...

September 25, 2022

Ten Pounds

I set out on my run this morning with a feeling of self-loathing, acutely aware of the 10lb that has crept onto my body in the last 2 years. Irritated and anxious to get back to the weight I feel best at, I laced up my shoes and started down the street. The music was thumping in my earbuds and set the tone for a pretty good run. Or run/walk, that is. I am out of shape. Within a few...

September 3, 2022

The Part Before “Fine”

When someone asks, “How was your day?”, you probably briefly look back and choose one or two words that summarize your strongest feelings about it. “It was exciting!” or “It was exhausting” or more often, “It was fine”. While this is what we have come to expect in our everyday short-form communication with one another, what we end up doing is burying dozens of other emotions that deserve a mention, too. This got me thinking about examining just one day...

May 11, 2022

It’s Complicated

TL;DR: Stay curious. The abortion issue is actually very complicated. Be humble. Listen. Be willing to be uncomfortable in the conversation.  As a matter of background, I grew up in the church and had always identified as Republican and pro-life. I questioned little and took it at face value that “abortion is murder, murder is wrong, we have to end abortion”. I remember attending a Rally for Life for the local Right to Life chapter. And pinning a small paper...

April 27, 2022

Equal, but Not Invited

I’ve been listening to a podcast about the fall of Mars Hill, an evangelical megachurch, and its volatile lead pastor, Mark Driscoll. As I was listening, I noticed I started to feel quite uneasy. Anxious. My heart rate ticked up. My breathing was a little faster. I felt a lump in my throat. A tenseness in my shoulders. I noticed the same feeling when I happened to see a pastor from the church we have just left at my son’s...