February 18, 2023

Secrets

Se-cret (noun): a: something kept hidden or unexplained: mystery b: something kept from the knowledge of others or shared only confidentially with a few. We all have complicated relationships with secrets. The word alone may invoke feelings of guilt or shame; excitement and intimacy; or fear. At times we are hurt by secrets and at other times pleasantly surprised. Secrets are a very curious and nuanced thing. Over the years, I have shared some of my secrets with my husband, my parents, and...

January 14, 2023

Anger is a Shell

Several weeks ago, as my husband and I were leaving a social event, he could sense I was upset, angry even. I walked to the car with firm footsteps, my heels clicking the pavement with force and a rapid cadence. My arms were folded across my chest. My lips pursed. We had a rather lengthy drive home, so I knew we’d have time to discuss this matter. He could sense I was fuming. He, too, was not happy, as part...

November 6, 2022

Unraveled

I know I am not alone as I write this raw reflection on the disorienting events of the past few years. The faith that I grew up in and thought I understood but has hurt me instead. The politics that co-opted Evangelical Christianity and turned into a cult. The mass destruction of life through COVID and gun violence with little regard for science-based recommendations to stem the tide of death. The shocking tolerance, and even promotion, of racism, antisemitism, and...

September 25, 2022

Ten Pounds

I set out on my run this morning with a feeling of self-loathing, acutely aware of the 10lb that has crept onto my body in the last 2 years. Irritated and anxious to get back to the weight I feel best at, I laced up my shoes and started down the street. The music was thumping in my earbuds and set the tone for a pretty good run. Or run/walk, that is. I am out of shape. Within a few...

September 3, 2022

The Part Before “Fine”

When someone asks, “How was your day?”, you probably briefly look back and choose one or two words that summarize your strongest feelings about it. “It was exciting!” or “It was exhausting” or more often, “It was fine”. While this is what we have come to expect in our everyday short-form communication with one another, what we end up doing is burying dozens of other emotions that deserve a mention, too. This got me thinking about examining just one day...

May 11, 2022

It’s Complicated

TL;DR: Stay curious. The abortion issue is actually very complicated. Be humble. Listen. Be willing to be uncomfortable in the conversation.  As a matter of background, I grew up in the church and had always identified as Republican and pro-life. I questioned little and took it at face value that “abortion is murder, murder is wrong, we have to end abortion”. I remember attending a Rally for Life for the local Right to Life chapter. And pinning a small paper...

April 27, 2022

Equal, but Not Invited

I’ve been listening to a podcast about the fall of Mars Hill, an evangelical megachurch, and its volatile lead pastor, Mark Driscoll. As I was listening, I noticed I started to feel quite uneasy. Anxious. My heart rate ticked up. My breathing was a little faster. I felt a lump in my throat. A tenseness in my shoulders. I noticed the same feeling when I happened to see a pastor from the church we have just left at my son’s...

February 16, 2022

The Quitting Threshold

I quit my job. Actually, I quit my job 180 days ago, because that is the number of days my employer requested I give as “notice” when I signed my contract more than six years ago. Not two weeks’ notice. Not 90 days. 180 days. I quit my job before I had a new one lined up. And that was scary…the prospect of not securing a new job before that 180 days was up. I quit my job even though...

December 29, 2021

More Weight

We’ve all read the headlines. Scrolled through our social media. Talk to almost any healthcare provider these days and you will hear words like “exhausted”, “overwhelmed”, and “disillusioned”. The more angsty of us will add “exasperated”, “wounded”, and “given up on humanity”. I have to admit. It’s bad in here. Patients everywhere. Tired staff. Demonstrably preventable death all around us. So it’s pretty easy to get into a downward spiral of doom. What is more, we have seen the worst...

October 23, 2021

Sonder

Sonder — noun. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own — populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries, and inherited craziness — an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing...