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Based On Your Depression

“Our decision is based on your depression.” I can’t say I was surprised, but I was disappointed and saddened to read these words in a rejection letter for the supplemental disability insurance policy I applied for through my workplace. In January of 2023, I went for a routine physical exam with my new primary care doctor, and I screened positive for depression. After discussing my options with her, we decided that a low-dose SSRI in combination with high-quality therapy would...

Eye Level

I recently took care of a patient who went out of his way to thank for me crouching next to his bedside to speak to him. “I like you,” he said. “Actually, I don’t just like you, I trust you. You didn’t stand over me like some ‘lord’ like most people do. You got down and looked me in the eye.” It’s true. I did. His bed seemed to be extra low to the ground and for some reason my...

Angsty

“You ok?”, my husband asked. “You said you’ve felt a little…angsty…lately.” Yeah. I’m ok. And yeah, angsty is probably the right word. I’m a Gen X girl. Angst is the stamp of my life. Let’s see…we have Russia still pummeling Ukraine; Hamas killing innocent Israelis and Israel creating a humanitarian crisis in Gaza. We have firearm violence as the number one killer of children in the United States and a House so divided they cannot even complete a simple junior...

Dying Well

Seven days ago, we said goodbye to our very sweet 12-year-old Goldendoodle, Einstein. A few weeks ago we noticed that he was having trouble maintaining his balance, his back legs sliding out from under him. A week after that, he had a seizure. It was traumatic for all of us. We took him to the emergency vet who offered admission, sedation, MRIs, and continuous IV anti-seizure medications. I sat in the sterile confines of the vet ER office with my...

Detangle: Part 6: No Need to Hurry

I got the chance to talk to a dear friend this morning. We are both surgeons, wives, and moms. We talk about our kids, our work, our marriages. And we talk about our faith. Or what’s left of it anyway. We both grew up in similar types of churches and shared a good number of similar conservative beliefs. But throughout the last few years, we have both been searching in our faith journey. Questioning, leaning in in some areas, and...

Anger is a Shell

Several weeks ago, as my husband and I were leaving a social event, he could sense I was upset, angry even. I walked to the car with firm footsteps, my heels clicking the pavement with force and a rapid cadence. My arms were folded across my chest. My lips pursed. We had a rather lengthy drive home, so I knew we’d have time to discuss this matter. He could sense I was fuming. He, too, was not happy, as part...

Unraveled

I know I am not alone as I write this raw reflection on the disorienting events of the past few years. The faith that I grew up in and thought I understood but has hurt me instead. The politics that co-opted Evangelical Christianity and turned into a cult. The mass destruction of life through COVID and gun violence with little regard for science-based recommendations to stem the tide of death. The shocking tolerance, and even promotion, of racism, antisemitism, and...

Ten Pounds

I set out on my run this morning with a feeling of self-loathing, acutely aware of the 10lb that has crept onto my body in the last 2 years. Irritated and anxious to get back to the weight I feel best at, I laced up my shoes and started down the street. The music was thumping in my earbuds and set the tone for a pretty good run. Or run/walk, that is. I am out of shape. Within a few...

The Quitting Threshold

I quit my job. Actually, I quit my job 180 days ago, because that is the number of days my employer requested I give as “notice” when I signed my contract more than six years ago. Not two weeks’ notice. Not 90 days. 180 days. I quit my job before I had a new one lined up. And that was scary…the prospect of not securing a new job before that 180 days was up. I quit my job even though...

More Weight

We’ve all read the headlines. Scrolled through our social media. Talk to almost any healthcare provider these days and you will hear words like “exhausted”, “overwhelmed”, and “disillusioned”. The more angsty of us will add “exasperated”, “wounded”, and “given up on humanity”. I have to admit. It’s bad in here. Patients everywhere. Tired staff. Demonstrably preventable death all around us. So it’s pretty easy to get into a downward spiral of doom. What is more, we have seen the worst...